I recently went through a difficult time, and as badly as I wanted to start feeling better, I just couldn’t.

Since I’m a health coach, I decided to practice what I preach, so I tried any and every self-care tool I could think of to help me feel better. I slept in, went to a Raindrop session, journaled, took long walks, painted my nails, read for pleasure, met friends for coffee, and so on.

After a couple of weeks, though, I became so frustrated because nothing was working…I still wasn’t feeling like myself again!

I finally had to get honest with myself and figure out what was going on. And do you know what I realized? I was trying to make myself happy in all the wrong ways.

What I’ve learned over the years, through many ups and downs in life, is that seeking pleasure (or being happy) is a completely different experience than finding true joy. And I had been seeking pleasure, not joy.

So, let’s take a look at the difference and figure out what you can do during those times when self-care just isn’t enough.

Beyond Self-Care

Eckhart Tolle, in his book The Power of Now, explains that pleasure comes to us from external sources. So when I was doing all the self-care that I could possibly think of, I was looking for external sources to provide me with pleasure and to make me happy. No wonder it wasn’t working!

Because the problem with pleasure is that it can be taken away at any moment. The sources of pleasure almost always come to an end. And, they can also be turned into pain! For example, turning to food for pleasure can lead to overeating, feelings of guilt, and gaining weight. Turning to Facebook can cause us to compare our lives with other people’s lives and then feel even more discouraged. The pleasure truly is short-lived.

While I’m not saying that practicing self-care is bad, what I am saying is that it becomes risky to rely on it for your happiness.

So what do we do instead? We begin to cultivate joy in our lives. As Tolle describes, joy comes from within. Joy comes from having deep gratitude for everything we have in life. It comes from having a sense of purpose, hope, and trust that things will work out exactly how they are meant to.

When we can create this true joy, it never leaves us.

Even when the sky is heavily overcast, the sun hasn’t disappeared. It’s still there on the other side of the clouds. (Eckhart Tolle)

Our joy is the sun. Sometimes it may feel hidden, and we can’t quite see it or even remember that it’s there. But it never leaves us.

How to Find Joy

While finding joy is not as simple as going to get a massage, there are a few practical steps you can take to begin increasing the joy in your life.

Gratitude

Take time every day to write down 3 things you are grateful for. Then spend a moment feeling appreciation for those things. Having appreciation for the blessings in your life truly does increase your joy and make you more aware of its presence in your life.

The difficult part, though, is continuing to have gratitude even in the midst of the difficult circumstances. It’s not easy to do, but the sooner you can express gratitude in the middle of a tough situation, even for something small, the easier it will be to find your joy again.

Be Present

Our lives are often so busy, and we are always on the go. When we are in this constant state of chaos, it’s no wonder we have a difficult time finding joy! When we allow our minds to slow down, we give ourselves the space to find the joy that’s hiding behind the clouds.

Take time each day, even if it’s only 5 minutes, to be completely focused on the present moment. Slow down your mind with deep breathing, meditating, or simply focusing all your attention on whatever task you are doing in the moment.

Stop Ignoring Your Emotions

So many of us are afraid to feel any negative emotion. We don’t want to feel pain, rejection, loneliness, or guilt. As a result, we try to stuff down these emotions by ignoring them or turning to external things to make us feel better…like food, alcohol, or TV. Unfortunately, even though we ignore our emotions, they stay with us. We continue feeling bad and are unable to feel joy.

When you’re feeling a negative emotion, give yourself a few moments to experience it. Journal, reflect on it, do some deep breathing, or whatever you have to do actually feel the emotion. The chances are that once you allow yourself to feel the emotion, it will lose the power it has on you and will start to dissipate. Then, you can start to feel joy again!

Finding joy takes time to develop, but it’s well worth the effort! In my life, I’ve found that practicing self-care while also cultivating joy is what truly brings me peace.

I’d love to hear what brings you true joy in your life, so please share that in the comments below!